I admit I have been wrong.

I will go back to whoever I was, to a certain extent.

The feeling of inferiority doesn't bring me down this time. It just lets me know the stagnancy doesn't do me any good, but pull me down.

I just have to be responsible for my life.

To feel alive.
To feel that I am living my life

and make you proud

is the only thing I have to do.

It's not anything new.

I feel so bad after reading your mail.

I know I have been having a not-really-good mood for days but I don't expect it to worsen to this extent. I shouldn't have picked that topic for my investigation. I just can't think that much on the issue.

I still think of the incident.
Deep down I still want to know what happened which caused the termination.
I don't know how to amend the broken heart.
I don't know what is the correct way to handle all these emotions.

I just don't know what to do.

Whom can I turn to?
The feeling of helplessness renders me restless.

I feel so tiny.
I just don't belong to anywhere.

I feel so bad.
I feel so so bad that I can hardly concentrate on my work.

I feel so hard.

It's not anything new.

I feel so bad after reading your mail.

I know I have been having a not-really-good mood for days but I don't expect it to worsen to this extent. I shouldn't have picked that topic for my investigation. I just can't think that much on the issue.

I still think of the incident.
Deep down I still want to know what happened which caused the termination.
I don't know how to amend the broken heart.
I don't know what is the correct way to handle all these emotions.

I just don't know what to do.

Whom can I turn to?
The feeling of helplessness renders me restless.

I feel so tiny.
I just don't belong to anywhere.

I feel so bad.
I feel so so bad that I can hardly concentrate on my work.

I feel so hard.

How I wish.

We are just ordinary friends.

But clearly we are not.

I deem you to be my best friend but I feel so bad about not being there for you when you are sad.

I deem you to be my best friend but I can't talk to you right away when troubles arise but instead, the troubles will subside and when we can talk, it's what happened, rather than what's happening.

Tell me what a friend truly is.

I miss you, my friends.

Days go on.

Once in a while your face just finds its way to pop up in my head, taking me total unawares. I can't deny it. The more I try to convince myself I don't need you to keep me alright, the more I find myself unable to rid you of my mind.

Maybe I just want to be accompanied.
I feel lonely and that explains why whoever caught my eyes would be the ones who appeared out of the blue at the perfect moment.

You don't have to be a really good guy but your appearance at the critical moment can have your face engraved on my heart.

I am hopeless.

Six years is not a short time. I shouldn't have stopped myself from getting to my dear friends. I shouldn't have been so sure of my ability to take care of my own emotions by myself.

And right now everything I reckoned right and appropriate proves to be a total failure. I don't know how to depend on a person when I am so freakingly dependent. I just can't convince myself anymore. I want a shoulder to lean on.

I am tired of standing myself up. I am too fatigue to support my weight anymore.

Let me see you, my Mr. Elbisivni.

Be my propeller, my personal Ivan.

I was told not to ask why.

I still remembered that day when my world turned totally upside down again. I kept asking why and I was told not to ask why because the endless question marks could hardly lead to anything--constructive.

I have been well-awared of that since then.
My mind keeps asking why but my brain stops myself from thinking hard on whatever bothers me.

And the cycle repeats.

I did it then.
I do it now.

But what's the point of sticking to this when subconsciously I am longing to ask for the reasons?

I begin to doubt my belief again. It seems that the system I have been so loyal to is betraying me, leaving me alone in the darkness. I can barely stand upright without any pillars supporting me from the back. It's a matter of time. I know it.

Girls you are right. I can't be alone. I should go seek someone to take care of me to a certain extent. It's the easiest way to be happy.

But I dare not to take the step.
Whenever you are near me, I am rendered speechless while words are close to slip off my tongue. I am so not me.

When I looked at you that day, I felt it and I knew--I am half-done.

I am sleepy so I am unhappy. Or I am sleepy and I am unhappy.

I don't know which one is true but the only thing I know is I can't think straight. I am so overwhelmed but by what? I barely know. Maybe I should starting keeping record of my life again, black and white.

I don't know what to write on the paper. I have to admit that I have no direction at all. I have never thought of my future. True, never have I ever come up with even one. I am still so indulged into my childhood fantasy, believing that I am not gonna be in this world long enough to ever step into adulthood.

But very soon I will be leaving school officially and I have to get a job.
My fear originates from the uncertainties ahead. I lost my dream and I never tried to find yet another new one. My life was disrupted countless times but every disruption was only cleared for the next step. I never think farther.

I am aimless.
I am not sure of my next step.
I don't know what to do next because I am so afraid of disappointment.

There were too many heartbreaking disappointment. Since when did I stop expecting?

The wishes didn't come true.
The expectation was far from realising and then I gave up on expecting.

No expectation. No disappointment.

I am living with this motto for too long.
And right now it seems that I am running out of any expectations. Be it workwise, be is lovewise or be it dreamwise, I am in lack of hopes and wishes.

I didn't make any wishes this year.
I am childish but I really want a decent birthday cake with candles on for me to make a wish.

I am running out of time but I don't know what to do next.
I need a reason to move on; I need a reason to cling on; I need a reason to live by.

Or else I am gonna fall--sooner or later--and I am not sure if I can pull myself back together again.

I lost you and I told myself I was not gonna love anybody else for the rest of my life. That may explain why I haven't had any dates until now, waving a flag telling whoever asks me about dates that I don't want to date at all. That may explain why even when I knew I had a feeling for you, I tried so hard to get away from you to as far as I could get to.

I lost you and I couldn't love another dog as much as I had been. Your passing aways in three weeks' time devastated me. Endless crying for two weeks rendered me a soul with a shattered heart. I tried to get back on track and the other of you left me out of the blue, taking me total unawares.

I lost you and I failed to get out of the sorrow all by myself. I went to you because I didn't know where else to turn to. I tried to turn to others but only you had the power to calm my soul, make me feel safe and drag me out of the turmoil.

I knew I couldn't resist you anymore but you clearly were not interested me. I tried to talk myself out of this unauthorised feeling for you because of my ridiculous promise and because of your coldness and indifference. I failed and decided to let you know but the pain descended which let me understand it was actually ignorance. I couldn't risk friendship this time because you mean too much to me. So I gave up.

Then suddenly I realised time is running short and I have to go back real soon to start working for my life.
Nonetheless, I find myself in a cloud.

I have no idea about what is my next, truly.

How pathetic.
I am not qualified to be a uni student.

So lame.

I can't help forging another coincidence in my head. Maybe I have already addicted to this kind of encounters and I am so greedy that I want more to propel my cruise.

I want you to be my personal propeller but I never get to know how I can make this happen.

I think I miss you.

I am good at imaginations and I am good at making everything much more beautiful and dreamy than it actually is.

How pathetic.

Finally I got to see you straight in the face today and as usual, unexpected but not at a critical moment anymore.

I couldn't deceive myself how delighted I actually was at that very instant. In my eyes there was just you, merely you. Probably it's because of the height difference between you two. Or I don't know. I just couldn't help it. It was just--catchy--at that moment.

And then there was a brief greeting and it was over.
I was back to who I had been.

I saw you.
I still can't figure out if you were my Mr. Elbisivni.

I know. They were coincidences.
But I want--more--even if it means nothing in the end.

I just need it to be my scaffolding of my dreamy journey here. Or else I am poised to fall over again.

I am getting ridiculous again.
I am trying to get myself into another ridicule because I have no way back.

Tu me manques beaucoup.

I didn't go out as planned.

I'm tired and at the same time I'm afraid of stretching too much.

I had a great day with you two but why did your face keep popping up in my head? Because it's my past. The memories with you two in also contain you. No way. It's over. Way over. I can't push myself back into the hole--an unauthorised hole.

The drama reminded me of the ridicule I had and I just couldn't let my feelings for you out right in front of your face because it wasn't mutual as depicted in the drama. The one-sided passion was fatal.

Don't think too much. You are being ridiculous.
Yet I don't know how to rid you of my mind.
Or more probably, just to rid the feelings for you of my mind.

I have to get back on track.
Go find my repose in new ways.

"Don't look back," as you once told me.