So after all I don't understand the slightest bit of me.

Yes. You're right. I don't understand.
But I keep saying I understand.

I finally discover I've been so into myself.
Everything is in my head.
Everything is in my mind.
Everything is in my soul.

And I have never ever tried to take it seriously again since I decided to leave for good.
I am not okay with it.
I thought I could handle it as long as I tried to.
I thought I could do it well as long as I did the thing that's deemed right. 
Nonetheless, it doesn't work.
It has never worked.
I'm just shunning it.
I'm just running away from it.
I'm just hypnotising myself.

And that's why
if you really want the answer.
This is my answer.

SORRY.

I just don't know how to suddenly change into one with a smiling heart when I've just found out everything is simply faux.