I so much want to know--am I trying to get something on him from you? Am I endeavouring to scrutinize every detail I can possibly probe into for something that resembles of him from you?

I feel so bad about it.
I feel so bad about your actions.
It's not jealous or what. I just want you to be mine.
It's ironic that the one I really want is not you but him.
Or possible it can also be Him, how ridiculous I am indeed.

You know what--I never told anyone I had a crush on him. I am not sure if I still have but I will try my best to terminate all those frantic episodes of imaginations or expectations.

You know what--even I had told others about my crush on Him, I still can't persuade myself everything was just an illusion. I made a promise to myself because of Him and I am pretty sure He is the reason for the emptiness in my heart. I miss Him. I miss the days when we talked together even I know He is no longer here. What I want is the Him at that time, not Him himself. Even if I met him in person now, he wouldn't be the one I want. The one I want has gone, for ever.

I can't stop looking back.
I can't resist the similarity I found in you and him.
I couldn't help feeling light-hearted after I saw you and started to fall apart and collapsing and crying when I couldn't have you with me and I am alone.
I can't help noticing you are not him, you are not the same as him, you are not treating me the same way he did, you are not going to feel anything about it and you are just living your life as if nothing really matters.

But I was wrong about him when there were far more incidents giving me illusions of what might possibly happen but--it proves to be a fantasy in the end. It finally turns out that he got an apple in his eyes.

And I can't be wrong about you because clearly you are totally not into me. Just in the vincinity I know you want more of her than me. What makes me so stupid again? Is the medicine playing tricks on me and I start to lose control of my emotions? Is the throe making me more prone to reliance? Maybe I just want a shoulder to rest on, a place where I can seek shelter from and get away from all those thunders and lightnings. I don't want to face them. I feel so tired. I feel so empty. I feel so insecure. I feel so frightened. I just don't know how to handle everything by myself.

I am by myself.
I just want someone to tell me nothing is gonna go wrong and I am gonna be alright and I will be protected from all harms and dangers.
But there's none.
You, clearly, are not the one.
He--belongs to someone else.
HE has gone ages ago.

I--am still on my own.

I miss you.
I love you.
I want to hug you.
I want to feel you.
I want to fall for you, regardless of what happen in my life.
I can't be that selfish to drag you into my misery.

I just can't.

I miss you
more than I thought I would.

I don't know what's going on.

I dreamt of you again.

But you were silent and I couldn't make out what you were uttering while all the rest were familar phrases I heard elsewhere.

Why you?
Why all these feelings?

Once it started, it would never go away so easily.

Perhaps I was too stupid to drag myself into a similar turmoil. I'm just gonna be the one who leaves

and feels the pain

for another few years secretly and silently?

I don't want it,
for what I want is warmth, shelter and protection.

I know I am selfish.
and I know I foolishly developed those super intense feelings towards you all unconsciously. 

So improper.

I think I need to rid you of my mind.

It's getting wild. I can't help thinking of you over and over again, consciously and subconsciously.

I'm putting myself to the edge. I just can't have you on my mind simply because everything is one-sided and I don't wanna make another serious mistake. Why do I have to be like this again and again? Can't it be somebody who is not from this familiar social circle?

I think this super intense feeling is just improper, right at the very beginning. I wonder why I let things go awry to an extent like this.

Oh my god.
I'm not sure when I'll be stupid enough to let you know.

I think of you again and I just shouldn't.

It must be one of the days the super intense feelings wanted to override my rational thoughts.

I think it's just because it was a Wednesday
and normally I should be able to renew the image in my head.
But not this Wednesday when it's still in the examination period.

I think it's too much.
I think I let my amygdala go too far and I'm afraid one day it's gonna go awry and I will be committing yet another

FATAL MISTAKE.

I really want you.

So after all I don't understand the slightest bit of me.

Yes. You're right. I don't understand.
But I keep saying I understand.

I finally discover I've been so into myself.
Everything is in my head.
Everything is in my mind.
Everything is in my soul.

And I have never ever tried to take it seriously again since I decided to leave for good.
I am not okay with it.
I thought I could handle it as long as I tried to.
I thought I could do it well as long as I did the thing that's deemed right. 
Nonetheless, it doesn't work.
It has never worked.
I'm just shunning it.
I'm just running away from it.
I'm just hypnotising myself.

And that's why
if you really want the answer.
This is my answer.

SORRY.

I just don't know how to suddenly change into one with a smiling heart when I've just found out everything is simply faux.