Awfully stupid

The day was not the same,
even the water was calm
and the sun was bright.
The sounds of people were just intimidating.

The head was not thinking right,
classes started and ended as usual,
but my mind was swaying elsewhere
to somewhere far and blurred.

Sitting by the window,
passing through the same route,
every lyric every note was daunting,
striking the chord of my heart,
tearing me apart.

And I was just defeated.
Trains of droplets
just kept rolling down
the already soaked chin
from the well-swollen eyes.

Looking so stupid,
especially when you were utterly alone on a public schoolbus
which was
packed
with

pure strangers.

?

Am I right? Am I wrong?
Am I going where I want?
Restless thoughts, endless loss,
where is the place I belong?

Don't make up. Just face up.
Ponder for days, wander at bay,
nothing truly worths the lot.
Why am I being so lost?

What's wrong? What's false?
What can make up for my loss?
Who can fill up my lost block?

Never expect. Never fall.
I can only stand tall
to overcome whatever comes forth.

Love is the answer to every unsolved questions in this world of ours.
Sadly, we never understand love.
And I can never understand this world.

Typhoon signal number three is soon heightened to number eight and I'm resting here in the department's computer room, making copies for powerpoints and randomly surfing the net. I think I'm really slack.

I can feel that I'm actually tensing up as days passed by. I'm overreacted to some things while I'm at the same time becoming more and more numb to things I should pay attention to, especially my studies. How could I forget the French homework? How could I forget the deadlines of important events or applications?

Oh, what's up?

I think I have been pondering too much over unrealistic things. I'm too imaginative. I admit. Right now all I should and have to do is to shut my brains down for a while so that I won't be distracted too far away. And the only solution to this is to concentrate on my studies. I have to be a diligent student who I ought to.

TOO MUCH.
Too many unrealistic thoughts whirling up in my head and they are poised to bump into each other.

HALT!

I know I'm greedy but I do want so many things.

I want protection, warmth and shelter.
I want care, love and tenderness.
I want to go out with nothing to worry about.
I want to go on a graduation trip and I want to explore somewhere new.
I want to be accompanied.
I want to be happy.
I want to be rid of worries over money.
I want to get out of the reality.
I want to be free from job seeking.
I want to do what I want.
I want to have good results.
I want to know my goal.
I want to make my life meaningful.
I want to be living to the full.

BUT,
unfortunately
I can do nothing,
nothing indeed.

I'm living with the mirage.
I am just so unrealistic.

I'm just living the life I'm making up.
It's mine, solely a part of me and merely belong to me ONLY.

I carry on as if nothing has ever happened. I go on as if my world has not been scarred. I move on as if life can really work out if I keep telling myself it's gonna be.

But sooner or later I will discover everything is simply a lie, a truly huge lie. It doesn't hurt others but at the same time it doesn't make me feel good as I'm trying to carry on walking my way, I lose my way and I just don't know how to move back on track. It seems that things that are hidden are never gonna be solved. It apppears to me that I'm getting out of control as the hidden bad feelings are beginning to make their way through my heart, through my mind and gradually they are gonan engulf the whole of me.

Sometimes there is a tiny little voice in my head telling me to take it out, lay it right in front of the very eyes of me and try facing it so that I can carry on free of those tiny trivial and unnecessary burdens on me. Nonetheless, there is always another strong hand in my head evily and silently smashing the tiny bit of the positive voice. Very often as life turns out to be working against me, I will surrender to this strong hand and let go of that momentarily-long determination and fall right back into the dark valley, whirling and twisting as the waves splash my head.

I have no way but to admit that I'm just a coward. I can't see the point of my living in this world. It's a matter of fact that life is not really as easy as it's in a child's eyes, it's also a matter of fact that in order to survive one gotta be strong and tough to take in the difference that exists in between. But then what, why can't I advance further by getting rid of whatever that drags me and pulls my legs?

 I'm tired of myself. I'm tired of anything that's working against me. Every quarel, every disappointment and every case of failure just helps reinforcing the very inadequacy of me, the very incapability of me, the very unappropriateness of my behaviour and the very worthlessness of me in this part of the world. I admit that I'm not looking wiode, I'm not looking far and I'm restraining myself in my own little well only. Yet what more can I expect? I can't even solive the small problem of myself so how can I move forward and look ahead? Every time I just feel like hating myself more. More and more as days go by the hatred grows from the disappoiintment in myself and dearly my self-esteem is plummeting even more drastically whenever I look through what I've done.

How do I move on? How can I move on?
I have been alienating my world and now it's time for the world to alienate me. I have done it well and nice and of course so does the world because I've been laying a really concrete foundation for the alienation to spread further in an even more profounded way.

So you did it, you idiot.

It's not that I feel bad about the taiwan trip. It's no big deal indeed.

I feel bad about myself.

I am never a productive one.

I don't know what I am going to do is correct or not. It is embarassing, yea, i know it. I don't know why such an idea comes up to my mind and I have decided to do it. I am going ot make a call tomorrow, let alone it's embarassing or not. Maybe it will cause a bit of disturbance and maybe I will leave a very bad impression on the other party but I don't mind. I just want to do it.

Just do it and see what happens. Anyhow it wili be a lesson for me, be it a disaster or a grace. Though more likely it isn't going to be nice.

Just be wayward.
For this one time.

Still

the feelings are fluctuating

and no matter how,

everything has ended

and

officially I am left behind.

UNWANTED.

I never realise this interview, or more precisely, written test, means so much to me.

I never expect myself to feel so bad when I know that I was very likely opted out. Two out of three persons and I am very likely the one who sis out.

Oh my god.

It just proves that how incompetent I am and I just feel myself so worthless somehow. I knew it on day one that I am one of those who are at the bottom of this department but I just haven't taken it really seriously as you know, we don't have actual rankings at the university. Yet it goes without saying that who is the best and who is the inferior and next year all these will be shown even more obviously when the honour thing is out.

I am the worse-off.

I am not capable and maybe all those years when I actually got good grades are just illusions. What is true may have already lain naked on the result slip of the two crucial public examinations I attended.

And so I am really incompetent. I have been living in an illusion that I am actually good at something.

Is it too late for me to realise that I am good at nothing?

I tried hard and it just doesn't work. I am a failure in every way and I don't see anywhere I can go.

I am nothing.

And all these twenty or some years I am leading a life faking myself all along

AGAIN an AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN I am rejected.

I am not strong enough to take it

AGAIN adn AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN and

AGAIN.

I hate you. You are so UTTERLY useless.

Human beings are too complicated.

I am ill.
mentally.

I am unhappy
utterly.

I am broken
totally.

I am sorry
wholeheartedly.

I am tired
thoroughly.

I know there is nothing in this world that can heal me.
I am broken and I won't be able to get better again.
In this world all that left is my voice inside my head, accompanying me through the endless nights, restless thoughts and unsolved problems.

And nameless regrets.