bee'ss

it's too soon

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 09:53:05 GMT

What's gonna happen next?

I just want to be kept safe.
Can anyone just tell me I'm gonna be alright? Can anyone just tell me you are gonna be around when I am in need? Can anyone tell me not to be afraid because you are gonna keep me safe when the worst comes forward?

Sometimes I really want a shoulder to cry on. I really want to have a shelter to keep me from the thunders and lightnings. I am tired of keeping myself sound and safe anymore. I just want to be protected.

I wish I could have a shoulder to cry on.
I wish I could be embraced when nothing is going right.
I wish I could be a little kid being all childish and unreasonable again.
I wish I could be allowed to be immature.

I want a breakaway.
To hug you out of the blue.

I didn't do it last time
because you are too precious to me.

I don't want to go back.
And once again facing the ugly mess I've made before I left.

I know I'm gonna miss you.
It's nothing to be scared
but it's too much to think over.

I want to feel blissful
in a different way.
It's no longer the matter-of-fact realisation.
I want something more concrete because everything feels so unreal in a way.

I need to be concrete.
I want a solid blissful feeling.

I know I am greedy but it is indeed what I want.

Love is all around.
But you are never around.
I am having too much to contain in my heart.

IT's gonna break sooner or later.

I feel like crying.
What am I doing?

:

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 12:39:03 GMT

I know I should begin revising so that I can sleep earlier tonight but I know I couldn't stop myself from thinking other things.

The huge orange moon last night reminded me of that night after dinner with yOu, the one that brought me back to the sportsground. It wasn't yOu that I was thinking of. I did the same thing as that night. I just felt like doing it and without second thought I did it, sending the messages out.

It was the same moon. The moon has always been the same. It is me who is changing. I know deep inside me something is changing but I am not sure what it is. It seems that the world in front of me is different but at the same time nothing really changes. I am still who I am. The pain is still with me and I am going to the doctors from time to time. I am still alone. I am still unhappy once in a while. I am still taking every little thing too seriously.

I am still afraid of falling in love. I am still afraid of developing an unauthorized crush on someone I want to be with when thunders and lightnings cast over my head. I don't want to be doing everything by myself and actually I want to be accompanied at difficult times.

I know somehow something is really too heavy to be rested on my shoulders only. I can't take it all but I don't know who I can share with or turn to.

I just want a shelter when nothing is going right.
I want a round-the-clock shelter.
YOU once said you would be but it turned out to be a gigantic joke of me because I really believe every single word I saw.

But they were never true.
And they have never been true.
Why can't I just take it as a joke? You are never there. Everything is just my imaginations.

I wish I were stronger to withstand every engulfing wave.

You never know what's going to happen next.
I never know what I am doing the next second.

I may be crying crazily before a new acquaintance.
I may be screaming like mad before a newly met friend.
I may be telling my deepest feelings to one I've met just once or twice but not to my best friend.
I may be acting like a child before one I knew for less than a month.

I don't know anything about me.
My actions surprised me.

You let me know how impulsive I could get.
you show me I could be so mad into You.

I am done.

I gave up fighting against my feelings.
Nothing can harm me more.

I will follow my heart.

I LOVE YOU.
I feel yOu.
I like You.
I want you.
I need u.

But I don't really need to be with YOU, yOu, You, you or u.

RGA

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 06:30:11 GMT

I so much want to know--am I trying to get something on him from you? Am I endeavouring to scrutinize every detail I can possibly probe into for something that resembles of him from you?

I feel so bad about it.
I feel so bad about your actions.
It's not jealous or what. I just want you to be mine.
It's ironic that the one I really want is not you but him.
Or possible it can also be Him, how ridiculous I am indeed.

You know what--I never told anyone I had a crush on him. I am not sure if I still have but I will try my best to terminate all those frantic episodes of imaginations or expectations.

You know what--even I had told others about my crush on Him, I still can't persuade myself everything was just an illusion. I made a promise to myself because of Him and I am pretty sure He is the reason for the emptiness in my heart. I miss Him. I miss the days when we talked together even I know He is no longer here. What I want is the Him at that time, not Him himself. Even if I met him in person now, he wouldn't be the one I want. The one I want has gone, for ever.

I can't stop looking back.
I can't resist the similarity I found in you and him.
I couldn't help feeling light-hearted after I saw you and started to fall apart and collapsing and crying when I couldn't have you with me and I am alone.
I can't help noticing you are not him, you are not the same as him, you are not treating me the same way he did, you are not going to feel anything about it and you are just living your life as if nothing really matters.

But I was wrong about him when there were far more incidents giving me illusions of what might possibly happen but--it proves to be a fantasy in the end. It finally turns out that he got an apple in his eyes.

And I can't be wrong about you because clearly you are totally not into me. Just in the vincinity I know you want more of her than me. What makes me so stupid again? Is the medicine playing tricks on me and I start to lose control of my emotions? Is the throe making me more prone to reliance? Maybe I just want a shoulder to rest on, a place where I can seek shelter from and get away from all those thunders and lightnings. I don't want to face them. I feel so tired. I feel so empty. I feel so insecure. I feel so frightened. I just don't know how to handle everything by myself.

I am by myself.
I just want someone to tell me nothing is gonna go wrong and I am gonna be alright and I will be protected from all harms and dangers.
But there's none.
You, clearly, are not the one.
He--belongs to someone else.
HE has gone ages ago.

I--am still on my own.

I miss you.
I love you.
I want to hug you.
I want to feel you.
I want to fall for you, regardless of what happen in my life.
I can't be that selfish to drag you into my misery.

I just can't.

.

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 17:49:00 GMT

Getting near water seems to be a good way to soothe.

Most of the time I forget to look around and feel all that are still around.
I want so much to grasp the apple in my eyes.
Every time there is only one apple.
But there is more than one time.

It feels... not right.
I'm not good at projecting the loss.
I'm overestimating my tolerance of letting loose my apple once again.

Tell me it's a dream.
Tell me it's a mistake.
Tell me it's the best out of the circumstances.
Tell me it's purely impulse thoughts, accompanied by impulsive acts.

Everything seems right.
I feel like an outcast of my life,
being so incompatible with all the happiness and blessings around me.

I've grown accustomed to it, no matter how wrong it is.
Your presence--
calms down the worst storm in my life;
also stirs up the fiercest storm in my mind.

the naked tears

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 12:09:35 GMT

Am I so stupid that it took me so many years to realise what's actually happening?

Last night my tears rolled off the cheeks out of no particular reason, I am simply unhappy.

Is it the Japanese drama LAST FRIENDS so powerful that I was struck?
I didn't know and I know I'll never know.

I simply went over my life and I realised why I have been living unhappily
and it's also the very first time I have wanted to talk about it.

But to whom?

YOU.
I know I want to talk to you.
I don't know if I can or not though.
YOU are the only one I want to talk to.
I don't care a tinker's damn.

Yes.

Sat, 02 May 2009 12:04:43 GMT

I miss you
more than I thought I would.

I don't know what's going on.

It's a super intense feeling of attraction.

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 11:53:37 GMT

Maybe I can be even more willful than I once thought.

It seems that I don't care what you think. I just want to do what I want. I don't know when I won't be able to contain and ask the same stupid question.

But please if I really ask you about it finally, don't give me the same answer or the same silence.

I am gonna collapse
and
I don't know how long it's gonna take me
to be this wayward
ever again
in my life.

He was the reason for my coldness.
You are the reason for my impulsiveness.
I can't believe you have such power to move me in this way.

I can't believe what I have done
to you
in these few weeks.

All impulsive.
All clueless.
All from the bottom of my heart.

Why does it have to be you?
I wish it could be somebody who is less important in my life.
You are
exceptional.

I know
it's just so inappropriate.

I don't know why
things can turn out
like this.

Oh...

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 16:50:38 GMT

Oh it's bad.
I can't help thinking about you.
I miss you.

I just can't get you off my mind.

PLEASE WAKE UP.

There's no way I can get to you. I know it.
I'm always making mistakes.
I don't want a relapse.
I don't want you to disappear
like what he did.

It's painstaking.
I can never get you over for the whole of my life, not even now, for so many years after.
No more happiness
because without you I'm incomplete.

I just realise.
Thanks for
Wish upon a star
by Tina Reilly.

not this dream

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 09:27:26 GMT

I dreamt of you again.

But you were silent and I couldn't make out what you were uttering while all the rest were familar phrases I heard elsewhere.

Why you?
Why all these feelings?

Once it started, it would never go away so easily.

Perhaps I was too stupid to drag myself into a similar turmoil. I'm just gonna be the one who leaves

and feels the pain

for another few years secretly and silently?

I don't want it,
for what I want is warmth, shelter and protection.

I know I am selfish.
and I know I foolishly developed those super intense feelings towards you all unconsciously.

So improper.

Get you out of my mind.

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 17:12:18 GMT

I think I need to rid you of my mind.

It's getting wild. I can't help thinking of you over and over again, consciously and subconsciously.

I'm putting myself to the edge. I just can't have you on my mind simply because everything is one-sided and I don't wanna make another serious mistake. Why do I have to be like this again and again? Can't it be somebody who is not from this familiar social circle?

I think this super intense feeling is just improper, right at the very beginning. I wonder why I let things go awry to an extent like this.

Oh my god.
I'm not sure when I'll be stupid enough to let you know.

I think of you again and I just shouldn't.